Thirty Five: Bullying

Being bullied is a terrible thing. It’s not cute, it’s very traumatizing, especially if it happens in a school where a kids safety is guaranteed by the authority that runs the school. And unfortunately, it’s not the reality. So many kids today are ending their lives because nobody cares to fulfill their duty in protecting them. But we live in a cursed world, so ofc there’s going to be disorder in a building meant for education and safety. Still I don’t care. Protect the students at all costs especially those who suffer from mental illnesses. I don’t trust anybody. Grown ups in suits that wear their socks up high, higher than most of us ordinary folks, I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them to protect students because they don’t care about the students. If they did, they’d put their employees through a session of intense bootcamp, to hopefully humble them up. These teachers act like they’re better than any student, they’re wrong. Everybody should be treated the same. No favoritism whatsoever. I don’t care how attractive a student is or how cool they look, it’s a school, it’s not a popularity contest. It saddens me knowing there are many cases of kids with problems at home, such as those who are victims of domestic violence, then they go to school, only to be bullied by a bunch of cowards. To see a kid sit in a cafeteria, at a table all by himself because the other kids think they’re too good to sit with him, well it breaks my heart when he cries because he feels like he has no friends. Everyone deserves friends. We’re all humans, we’re here to connect.

 

I was bullied in school my whole life for looking a different race other than white. I’m two races; Caucasian and Honduran. Most people never heard of the country Honduras. They’re just too lazy to study geography or whatever. I’ve been called a stupid Mexican most of my life, and all through those years, I’d come home crying my eyes out, I hated school. I didn’t want to go back. I was scared. I was afraid of the racism. I wanted to kill myself. I never knew about racism until I experienced the bullying. It wasn’t fun. But despite being picked on, I don’t hate a single person that bullied me. I forgive them because Jesus would want me to. It’s not my right to hold grudges towards people. It’s not their fault. I just hope someday they get whacked in the head and they get saved, become better people, learn to love others who look different. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for white people, he didn’t die on the cross for black people, he died on the cross for all sinners. We are to love each other and pray for each other during difficult times. Hate has no place as far as I’m concerned, but unfortunately it does have a home, and it’s seeded inside of every ignorant person that doesn’t adapt over the years, they stick to the same lies and rumors till they want to get verbally violent and act out their hate through words or violence.

 

What sets me off even worse is that those kids who get bullied in school, they rarely have another student defend them. When I was school, that was the reality. Not one person defended me against the racist cowards. But look at me, I don’t look angry. All the years of being bullied in school, yet I’m the kindest person you will ever meet. I could be one of those violent dudes that wants to hate the government for not making school safer, but I’m not. Everyday I’m thankful that God kept me strong and patience. Waiting for his blessing to take me out of this hell. I’ll tell you, I couldn’t go through it again, I just couldn’t. It was pure terror. It was like going to school knowing I was going to be harassed by white supremacists, I was scared to death. It caused me to have low self-esteem, when someone calls me cute I think they’re full of it. Being bullied takes a huge toll on your well-being. You’re not that nice kid who smiles a lot when you see strangers. You’re not that people person anymore. All that’s left of you is anger, sadness, envy and insecurity. You’re scarred for life. But to whoever reads this, don’t give in to temptation, seek help, life is precious, imagine hanging out at an ocean shore or sitting in a canoe exploring beautiful caves. Don’t think that you need to have a gf or a bf to enjoy happiness. Chester Bennington, he had a beautiful family of his own, a beautiful wife, but he still wasn’t enjoying life. Talk to a therapist. Get that misery and grief taken care of.

 

– my apologies for any typos or misspellings

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Thirty Four: Unlucky

I am 28 and I have the worst luck with women. I don’t hate them in fact I adore them, but I’m very impatient. I can control it for awhile. I’m not the type of guy to send my intimate area to random women, never have never will. I consider myself a gentleman because I will do anything for a woman. Whether that be opening a door for her, or helping her put groceries in the car, even giving her my winter coat during a very cold chilly night. I am bipolar so I feel like it complicates things. I change my mind a lot about things. I doubt. I overthink. But the biggest reward in dating me, is that I’m very loving. I will care about a girl with all my heart. I have never been in a relationship nor kissed a girl. But if there’s anything positive about my sad love life it’s that I have learned a lot. I have a ton of patience, and I will talk to her and motivate her. I’m not made of money, that’s one of the depressing parts. I don’t think of myself as this guy who can get any girl he wants. I was considered a geek in school because I wore glasses that almost resembled Harry Potter’s, but they weren’t as round. I love women. I’m a huge supporter of equality for women. I believe they shoudn’t be viewed as sex objects but as strong people who are willing to sacrifice their own freedom for hard work in order to have a life of freedom. Like owning a nice house or owning a business. As for how I treat them personally, I treat them with respect, just like I treat men with respect. Everyone should be respected at the end of the day. Showing respect shouldn’t be shown discriminately. I have made a ton of mistakes. But fortunately, most of them have happened over the internet. Not in real life. And that doesn’t mean that I never learned from the experiences I had over the internet. I feel like the most humbling experience in life is when you think you’re above everybody else because you’ve got someone special in your life but then they leave you for someone else or they just lose feelings for you, and then it’s just you to yourself. You went from being a somebody that has nobody, to being a very happy guy who feels very lucky, back to being a loser but in a humbled manner. You don’t enjoy the same things you used to enjoy. You just feel dead inside. When you find a young woman that you are interested in, you make a few mistakes and they cause her to avoid you at all costs, then it’s hard to accept yourself anymore. You end up hating yourself like I do. Happiness is a blur. Doubt is inches away. And loneliness is an everyday nightmare for me. I’ve realized blogging is sort of an escape for me, because I want to share my feelings with anyone who’s willing to read them and relate.

 

I believe in Jesus Christ and the Father, but as faithful as I am. I still feel weak at times. I feel like I want to give up. For someone who serves the Lord each and everyday, I can be pretty weak when things don’t go my way. But I would never blame anyone for my problems. I hate knowing that I’ve hurt people. I never intended on doing that. It may have been over the internet, but that’s why I say I’ve learned a lot, not saying I’m an expert but I realize how tender women are, and I don’t mean that in a “you’re so sensitive” type of way because there are men like that too that literally act like babies when a girl upsets them. My guilt is falling for looks rather than heart. I have hope tho that I will find a girl who will see me, and she won’t be able to stop thinking about me. That day will be happiness for me. It will be like a footballer who just won his first FIFA World Cup. I know I’m sounding corny, but that’s how hard it is for me to find love because I am a very shy young man and I don’t have the bravery in me to flirt with girls. I look at them for awhile, but that’s about it. I’ve learned that if a guy has to pretend to be this guy who’s got money, then love really isn’t worth his egotistic mind. Be yourself, that’s what matters most. I want a girl falling in love me with me just being myself rather than me pretending to be a rockstar who has no money. I would never consider myself good at dating, but I know how loyal and caring I would be. It’s easy for me to say since I’m not surrounded by girls everyday of my life, but if I’m around the right girl, then my eyes shouldn’t have reason to wander off. I’m not a pig. One thing I tell myself often is that I have to put God first in my life, not another human. There’s no woman that I will depend on to support me financially. Her money is HER money. I don’t want any of it, all I want is her love. Why can’t most guys be like that? Why do they always want sex? Sex is nice but when it’s necessary. Treat your girl like you’re her king and she’s your queen. Don’t treat her like she’s just a girl for you to screw and there’s no love in between.

 

But in all honestly. Maybe it’s a good thing I’ve never been in a relationship. I can thankfully say, I have matured into a young man who is willing to meet someone special, and make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world. There’s nothing fancy about my life. There’s nothing beautiful about my life except that I have a family. But I don’t have nice cars, a big pool, or a Harley Davidson motorcycle. I just have me. And if that’s not enough to please someone, well I guess love just wasn’t meant for me…hmm. That’s the problem with most guys. They give up too easily. I’m not one of them. I wait. I love life. I love my life. I love the freedom I have as an American to do things most people in other countries unfortunately can’t do. I don’t want to live my life desperately depending on love as my source of happiness. I have to keep one person in that spot, and his name is Jesus Christ. He is my savior, he deserves all the praise because he was willing to be tortured and crucified in order to free me from my sins. And I can’t thank him enough for that. So, why should I hate life just because I don’t have a love life? I’m still young. I have a lot of days, months, years ahead of me.

Thirty Three: I can I will

Today I will remind myself that although

I may suffer from depression, I AM stronger

than I think, I will remember in order to

be a better person each and everyday

I have to love myself and accept the

person that I am, and not be so insecure

but to believe in myself and appreciate the

small things in life, realize there are

families in poverty stricken countries

that would love to have what I have

whether it be a tv, a clean bed to sleep in

or food, I will be strong and have hope

I will spend today knowing that I am worthy

of life, today I hope that anybody who reads

this and suffers from depression like me, will

be motivated to not give in but to fight back

I will remember to accept the way I am and

continue staying away from drugs and alcohol

I will appreciate what I have and remember that

I’m not the only victim of depression and that I’m

not alone, I will pray for others and encourage them

to never give up

Thirty Two: depression sucks

It is by far one of the most cruelest things in the world. It can make grown masculine men act like helpless babies. There’s nothing funny about depression. For people who mock those who suffer from it, you should be ashamed of yourselves. It’s not funny. Not even the best comedians will ever be funny for teasing those who suffer. A person who suffers from it could sit in a quiet room all to themselves. And it would be like a nightmare. They want to be alone, unbothered by anyone. Most of the time they don’t want anyone’s comfort. The worst part about depression is that it’s usually fueled by something that can break a person’s heart. Whether it be a bad breakup or a divorce. It can turn good people into major deadbeat alcoholics. They don’t drink it because they’re thirsty, they drink it because it comforts them, when you’re drunk, your mind is numb to pain. The greatest country in the world (which I don’t believe any country is better than the other) could have the strongest army, but if you zoom in on the picture, each and every soldier has sadness written all over his face. So, just because someone looks and acts masculine, doesn’t meant they truly are. Get to know them not by staring at them, but by learning about them when it’s just them by themselves. Even the strongest men have a weakness when they’re behind closed doors. For those of you that feel like you’re worthless, just scroll through any celebrities instagram page, you may see endless “blessings”, but they only show you these things when they’re happy. They won’t post any bad day that they ever have. They only show you their good days. If a celebrity truly cares about his/her fans, they’d post their bad days also so the fans won’t feel like they’re alone. And I’m sure these celebrities care about their fanbase, but it would be wise to share even the bad days.

 

So many people say “talk to someone”, so a depressed person won’t end their lives, but in my humble opinion, talking will get them nowhere. Depressed people need to do more than talking, they need to go on adventures. For ex: hiking, theme parks, swimming in rivers, etc. Everyday of my adult life I have suffered from depression, and talking isn’t really the best idea for me because I don’t go out much. I need to go on adventures. To clear my mind. To get my mind off my past. But I can’t because of anxiety. I don’t even have a gf, but I’m not hopeless either. I’ve fallen in love with girls, but most them never returned the same affection I had for them. The greatest love I’ve ever found was over the internet. She was a beautiful girl, but she left because things went wrong. Loyalty is everything, and the loyalty that was there, it deteriorated. This great love deteriorated like it never even happened, I wanted to marry this girl and I only just met her. Stop telling people to talk to people who suffer from mental illness, take them on adventures, away from the internet. The internet is full of tragic stories whether they be about people or animals, and because we can do nothing about it, we suffer with sadness, we feel guilty for not doing anything. But that’s a bunch of foolishness. You can do something. There are rescue organizations that look for abandon animals, they pick them up and look for them a home. If they can’t find them a home, they euthanize. Now the thought of an animal being euthanized breaks my heart, but it’s better them being put to sleep than continue being abandoned by people who are cruel. Almost anything can trigger depression, that’s what’s scary about it. And what makes it even worse is that many people want to eat too much and they gain too much weight.

 

People don’t really need pills to keep their mind clear and healthy, they need therapy. Whether it be talking to a professional or being out surrounded by nature. That’s why I still haven’t recovered from my depression because I don’t do anything. I don’t speak to a therapist. But I do see a meds doctor, but they’re not enough to remove the depression from your life. I would love to go fishing, even tho I’ve never been great at catching fish. Our bodies weren’t meant to be in one place for long periods. They were meant to move around consistently. We were never made to be lazy or to stay in bed all day. We are physical machines that need to be constantly doing things. That’s why many people can’t sleep because they’re not active enough during the day. Fortunately that’s not always true for people suffering from depression. I love sleeping but it’s only because it’s an escape from all this thinking I do. Now I don’t really like my dreams because they are scary, but sleeping is therapeutic. That is why I’m not big on just talking to people. I would be the type of friend to make people go out to go on adventures. What can you really say to a person through texts, a person that’s constantly being physically abused by their parents or whoever? You can’t keep telling them to have hope, they will die hoping for the best. They need action. So for me, taking them on adventures to me is more soothing to the mind than plain boring talk. Now I would still talk to someone, encouraging them, because that’s just the type of person I am, but I would also love to take them on adventures. If you’re reading this and you know someone who suffers from depression. Try convincing them to go on a hike with you, anything. Their face will go from having sad written all over their face to a great big smile. You don’t know unless you try. Over the months, the one you help, they will recover from any mental illness. Don’t think twice about it. And most importantly, don’t ever believe pills are the source of numbing depression, they’re not. An active physical body is a happy body. Going to bed for the night knowing you had an adventurous day will get you a good nights rest. Try it, and you just might be amazed. Life is great when you choose to go on adventures rather than drowning in your own puddle of tears staring at the internet.

 

– my apologies for any misspellings/typos

The truth about ‘Selfishness’

The Darkest Tunnel

Picture this:

You are stranded in the middle of the ocean, desperately trying to keep yourself afloat as you scramble for air in the smothering darkness.

The night is quiet around you, the world submerged in an ominous silence.

The sounds of your heavy breathing and your hands flailing in the water are the only things that pierce through the quiet.

The vast expanse of the inky blue sea is all you can see, along with a single narrow plank floating a few meters away from you.

What will you do?

You swim to the plank and save yourself from a sure death by using the wood to keep you afloat.

But your choice isn’t that simple.

You’re not alone.

I’m there along with you, scrambling for the same air you fill your lungs with and my eyes are frozen on the same plank that yours are riveted on.

It…

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Thirty One: depression

This topic is a tough subject to talk about, and explaining it takes a genius to understand. Like every other person would say, I wouldn’t wish depression on anybody. You ask why not, they’re douchebags, they deserve to suffer. Maybe. But it’s best to realize that most of the bad people in this world suffer from some type of mental disorder which is why they do the evil they do. They’re the type who have the psychotic episode part (maybe). I suffer from depression and anxiety. And I’m telling you, it’s not fun. But for me my depression and anxiety must be different because I’m not suicidal at all. Never have been. Tho I do prefer to keep to myself. Back in my school days, I was always minding other people’s business. I was wild. I suffer from ADHD. What’s unfortunate about my ADHD is that the depression part lasts much much longer than my ADHD. I only experience hyperness early in the morning. It goes away around lunchtime. Now if I could experience it longer than depression, that would be great. So how do you deal with depression, how do you survive it? Well I won’t give you a scientific GENIUS lesson, because I’m far from being a genius who uses big words I couldn’t even pronounce. I’ve noticed when I tell my doctor about the research I’ve found on the internet, she does NOT like it. She will tell me straight up to avoid what I read on the internet. But I’m starting to think the reason is, is it’s competition. The reason is, the internet will say prescription drugs are not the right way to go when treating depression, etc.

 

If anything, it’s eating the right foods, NOT sugar, and exercising that will help you feel in ways that prescription drugs won’t. I’ve taken them all my life, I’ve only started experiencing anxiety and depression after suffering a heartbreak with a girl I fell in love with over the internet, instead of fixing things, she chose to leave, and I haven’t heard from her since. There’s one suggestion I found called “Sudarshan Kriya”. It’s a yoga technique Indian inspired (India). I don’t know if it works but I’m thinking of trying it soon. I also believe one of the best ways to fight depression is you have to love nature. Forget the thought of being around people, be surrounded by forests, hike around rivers, go fishing or hiking. Don’t go to your doctor and ask him/her about something you found on the internet, trust me. That’s like going to a store, and you bring a product you bought from their rival to their store. You don’t ever want to do that, because when it comes to competition in sales, one store will tell you one thing and the rival store will tell you a different thing. So don’t go to your doctor about something you read over the internet, they’ll just say like those people who say “you watch too much tv” but your doctor will say you can’t trust everything you read on the internet. There is no prescription drug that will take away your depression. Why do you think you need to have refills? Learn to go out and do things. If you’re one of those people that don’t have time to go out on your free time, then you need to make a change in your daily routine. Go to bed early, and wake up early in the morning to go for a hike.

 

You can’t keep blaming work on being the reason you don’t get better to feel better. If you’re the type to think outside the box, you would’ve knew to apply for a job that allows you to sleep in, that way when you get the job, you can take advantage of that extra sleep by waking up early and going for a hike. You really think you’re better off laying in your bed all day on your phone, thinking you’re in good hands because you take pills everyday of your life? Maybe it’s a good thing you’re not a realist, because you have a stupid way of realizing what’s best for you. And pardon me for saying stupid, I just needed to say it, my apologies. It adds emotion to what I’m saying. Your doctor hates the internet. There’s no doctor who will accept any research that their patient finds on the internet, and says “Thank you for doing research about this depression I’m pretending to get rid of for you”. Don’t do that, you will be wasting your time. How do I know this? Because I’ve done it myself. Don’t ever call a person a coward for committing suicide because honestly, they may be truly suffering, and they’re just not strong enough to fight their own battle. You wouldn’t call a soldier a coward for ending his/her life, PTSD is a serious condition, it’s worse than depression. I’m not big on talking to people about my depression. I prefer fishing or hiking to release stress. My advise if you’re someone who’s already starting to experience a mental illness, don’t go to a doctor. You will just end up having to schedule monthly appointments year round. It gets tiring. At least make the effort to go for a long jog or walking alongside a river in the forest to clear your head.

 

– my apologies for any misspellings or typos

Thirty: Suicide

If someone were to ask me how would I persuade a suicidal person from committing suicide, my answer would be that it’s really not about trying to convince them to spare their own life. So many people will show you they care when a life is on the very edge of being ended. Most people have enough on their plate. They have their children to look out for. So the last thing they want to do is go out of their way to help a person who can’t box in their own emotions. You hear of people who know CPR, and that’s good and all, but you never hear of people who are great at preventing suicides simply by being with a sad/depressed person around the clock. This world really doesn’t get it. It’s all about self. What am I going to do today? What am I going to wear? What am I going to eat as a late night snack? It’s never “Who’s life will I save today?” There are generations all across this planet that have no clue as to how to save a life simply because it’s not common enough or it doesn’t deserve a lot of sympathy. People condemn suicide, because most people condemn cowards. I think that’s a load of excuses tbh. If you debate on something, it only means you’re making excuses. A person is only a coward if they take other lives then their own. A suicidal person is no coward if they take their own life. They’re just simply sick. They need help.

 

If you had a brother or a sister that were suicidal, wouldn’t you do whatever it takes to help them? I reckon so. A generous person will do the same for those even if they’re not related. Life is beautiful. It’s a precious thing to have. But selfishness makes it look ugly. I don’t want anybody to kill themselves. I want them to live their life like I love my life. But I can’t love life if I am too selfish for my own good to help other people try to love theirs. That’s the foolishness of living life taken for granted. How can someone see the beauty in life if all they care about is money and not saving people from the curse called suicide? I’d rather run an empire that’s about saving people funded by people who don’t have mental illnesses than live in a world that’s inhabited by selfish people who only have one thing on their mind, money. The more I realize how arrogant this world is, the more I realize how much each and every piece of humanity is on their own. It’s not fair. I get it people, you’re not humane. *wink* But as for me, I’m always for helping people, even if they’re not family. I can’t just ignore the signs of someone needing my help. I will feel forever guilty if they ended their life simply because I ignored them. But that’s the way the world truly is. Nobody cares if someone is suffering from the inside. There’s even UFC fighters mocking people now on social media, mocking those who suffer from depression. They say it’s not real, they say it’s a choice to be depressed. That’s why I refer to this society as arrogant. People who deny the existence of depression are nothing but trolls trying to get sick people angry. I don’t care if you’re a trained fighter or a wrestler that works for the WWE. There’s no reason to mock people who are suffering with illnesses. So let’s see, before you became a trained fighter you were this out of shape douche who had no experience in defending himself if physically confronted in person, and because of that, you didn’t have the balls to speak out like a douche and mock people with mental illnesses, therefore you started training in fighting in order to have learned your craft, and now you’ve become your own personal bodyguard in case someone was willing to confront you about your ugliness use of words? That’s cute. Unfortunately that’s a pathetic way to live.

 

Kindness and respect shouldn’t be a rare occasion in a world that’s full of wars, domestic violence and sickness. But it’s the actual reality of this world. More than anything in this world. Be selfless. 🙂 You could save many lives.

– my apologies for any misspellings or typos

 

 

Twenty Nine: Survival

This world isn’t for you. This world is only for anybody that can produce money. Anyone that can guzzle down shots at a night club. When you dwell on wondering whether people care about you or not. Fret not. There is still hope for you. What is that hope? Where is it? Your mind is your momentum. Your heart is your hope. In order to have hope. You need to put your heart into what you want the most in life. The worst way to waste life away. Choosing to ask the world what they prefer of you regardless of the direction your heart is heading to. Often our biggest mistake is copying the bad habits of other people. We want to succumb to the wishes of people we don’t even know. The way I look at it. You’re only damaging your own self esteem by doing that. I feel like people damage themselves emotionally when they ask others for their opinions. If you’re going to survive this life. By no means should you do everything other people want you to do. How can you be the person God meant for you to be? If you can make people laugh, then do it. Don’t be around a person who’s always angry. Always negative. Never positive. Otherwise there’s no chance of making folks laugh. You’re doing the complete opposite of what your heart wants to do, because you’re being a clown in another person’s world.

 

If you’re willing to do the things you love. Life will feel more free for you. You don’t need to have a ton of money to survive in this world. But it’s not about money. Why do you people always speak success and money when they’re trying to do better in life? Why is it all about self rather than being about people that don’t have what you have? This world is selfish. If you’re not making them money. Then you’re simply not wanted. If you have zero talent or charisma. You’re nothing to them. People are disillusioned by the celebrity life. They fantasize on what it would be like to hold stacks of money in each hand. Even worse there’s never any thought of being selfless. This world runs on money. And those who have that money. They don’t care about anything but that money. If I didn’t believe in God and Jesus like I do. I would sometimes ask myself. What would I do if I didn’t allow spiritual faith to guide me through life? Well I would continue being selfless. I personally think it’s rather silly to think you have to be religious in order to be charitable. If you’re a good person and you have a good heart. There’s no reason to be an arrogant individual and being all about yourself and what you want. What you need. And what you desire. The world isn’t for you. And most importantly. You don’t need the world to make you feel worthy. Jesus is the only one who can claim your worth. And I am certain that he loves you more than any soul on this green Earth.

Jesus Christ is far great than any dollar a human owns. Without Jesus. What purpose is their in life? Other than being selfish with a greedy heart. The average person is prone to lies and illusions not to mention myths. This is a deceiving world and what it has to offer is grief. Grief to make you feel like you’re too stupid to follow your dreams. Don’t believe that garbage. So much propaganda. The world makes you think. The only way to live the “good life”. Is to be successful. If you can’t live life without thinking you need a ton of money. Then you’re only going to make life more stressful for yourself. We all need money. But people act as if they need a million dollars to take care of their children. Yes. Groceries are expensive. But if you have faith. You know faith will always keep you in the right direction. God will have people take care of you. He will even have people look out for you. He won’t let you feel like an orphan. I’m certain of that as well. This world needs Jesus more than ever. It’s unfortunate this world chooses lust and money over eternal life. None of these worldly things will grant you eternal life. This world doesn’t care about you. Don’t fall for its tricks. They always say. If you want to be cool. Buy this rappers album. If you want to feel like a rich person. Buy this rappers album. Nothing wrong with buying albums. But the worship of celebrities will bury you in jealousy. Love yourself. Don’t believe you have to be the same as everybody else to be noticed. Learn to be charitable. Learn to treat those who have less clothing than you as a decent human being. The world will never do that. But you’re not part of this world. Are you? Hmm…

– my apologies for any typos

Sorry

Dear readers. I’m very sorry for not being active. My wifi has been out for a long time. So I couldn’t write anything. But I’m back. Hopefully I’ll get back on the writing soon.